Today we had our last fetal echo until Judah arrives. I'm not going to lie, I was steadfastly hoping and praying for a clean bill of health. It took 2 hours for the fetal echo - I knew something was either wrong or confirming my hope of healing because 3 different people came in to do the echo at different times. The last Doctor who came in was the head of the department and the first one to diagnose Judah with Transposition of the Great Arteries. He told us that the aortic valve is thickened and (if God doesn't heal him) it will complicate the surgical plans. The reason being is because they will have to switch the valves at the same time that they switch the ventricles and there are a lot of factors that go into the switching of the valves. One being, they must be similar in size for the switch to be easy... These things are all up in the air until he arrives. We also found out today that the Doctors at Children's have never seen Transposition paired with the thickening of the valves and since they have never had any previous cases they have to collaborate with their colleagues to come up with "the most intelligent plan". Also, they are thinking he will need even more immediate attention after delivery than expected. In the words of one of the Doctors "By immediate we mean as soon as he is delivered we will have some there to do the balloon procedure"... This means that I wouldn't get to see him after delivery which will practically rip my heart out. We also found out, how great of a miracle it is that they even found that he has Transpositions in the first place because Transposition can look like a completely normal heart at the right angle. Originally we went down to Children's because of Dandy Walker but it was the heart that has stole the show since then. We haven't actually heard them even talk about the brain since November 27th. It might be strange but I do find encouragement when the Doctors bring in other Doctors to look at Judah's heart and teach them how to detect Transposition. It's a comfort to know that people are learning from Judah and if that can somehow translate into other babies being helped then that is wonderful. So in short the fetal echo showed us today that Judah has a very special heart.
After the echo we went for my weekly check up at University Hospital. Today I decided I was going to ask about the brain since we haven't heard anything for several months. They said the brain looks completely normal except where the cerebellum and vermis are located. We were told in November that he didn't have a vermis. Today the Doctor thinks she saw the vermis and that it was just under developed. This was all really great news. There is no extra fluid in the brain, everything else that should be present is there and Lord willing GOD is growing a vermis! We also found out that he is 4lbs and 12oz and in the 93rd percentile. I still have excess fluid and although my reduced carb diet is helping my weight it doesn't seem to be decreasing the fluid or helping Judah not gain so much weight. In two weeks if he is still gaining weight at this rapid pace I have to do another glucose test (the 3rd one during this pregnancy) to rule out gestational diabetes (again).
I feel emotionally drained. I was talking to my sister about everything and she said "you just have to let go and let God"... The things is, I don't feel like I'm holding on or trying to control things. I feel like I have "let go" but that I'm desperate for God to move! Emotionally I can't control myself at this time which can be a tad frustrating. I feel like my heart is ripped open and I'm bare before the Lord begging for Him to heal my son. I KNOW God will have His way and that's all I desire but everything inside me prays, hopes and believes that His way will be complete healing.
In all honestly, I'm a pastor and I thought I knew all the "right things to say" but going through this journey has made me realize that sometimes the "right thing" is to say nothing at all. To pray, to love and to just be there. We believe and we hope for things we can not see but in the end all we want is God's will. Those can be scary words to say because God's will is not always peaches and cornbread. Sometimes the journey is hard and dangerous and certainly narrow... it's not always "safe" but when we rely on the Holy Spirit he becomes our light, our way and we have strength to walk the journey even when we are barely hanging on. He is all the strength we need! He is the portion we feel like we lack and He is the grace to endure anything that comes our way.
We thank each and every one of you for your prayers and support! Now more than ever my whole soul cries out for a miracle and I appreciate every person who stands in agreement with us! We love you all!
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